


Not About Angels

by ABlueLightInTheDark



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (and making out), Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Alternate Universe - Human, Boys Kissing, Fallen Angel!Raphael, Fluff, Gay AroAce Raphael, Human!Simon, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, ace-spectrum Jace (mentioned), also angst, just... a lot of fluff, like a bit?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 06:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8479564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABlueLightInTheDark/pseuds/ABlueLightInTheDark
Summary: He remembered crashing down onto snow, his refracted wings spread around his cold body, a bloody taste on his lips. He remembered coughing and then… then breathing. He remembered his first breath, he remembered his first heartbeat, he remembered everything. 
Raphael Santiago had been an angel. He had been an angel and then he fell, banished from heaven by his own blood.Raphael Santiago was a fallen angel, because angels are not supposed to fall in love with humans, but that’s exactly what he did.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Annnd I'm back.   
> This is so long, I wrote it in one day, please kill me. I should be studying but the idea of fallen Angel!Raphael wouldn't leave me alone.  
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> -this is not beta read, so if you find any major mistakes please tell me in the comments-

He remembered them.   
He remembered how they had beat him, abused him, hurt him, _weakened_ him.   
He remembered how they had dragged his lifeless body out of the small cell, he remembered the blood he had spit into their faces as they pushed him onto the ground.   
He remembered how they had held him in place, while his _brother_ had forcefully taken his grace.   
He remembered the pain, the screams - both, his and those of his few friends - the burning.  He remembered how his _family_ pulled him to the same abyss they had pulled Lucifer to.   
He remembered his own pleas as he held onto his brothers wrists, while his body hung over the dark pit, feet uselessly dangling in the air.  
He remembered the cold eyes staring into his own, remembered the _fear_ making his broken body shiver.   
He remembered Magnus rushing forwards as he fell, remembered his desperate expression as he reached for his hand. 

Then he remembered falling. Falling and falling and falling and falling and burning, his futile, bloody wings burning as he fell down, down, down, down onto earth, away from heaven, away from _home_. 

He remembered crashing down onto snow, his refracted wings spread around his cold body, a bloody taste on his lips.   
He remembered coughing and then… then _breathing_.   
He remembered his first breath, he remembered his first heartbeat, he remembered _everything_. 

Then the world around him went black and the last thing he remembered was looking up at the sky, blue and cold and not welcoming anymore, but horrific and deadly. 

Raphael Santiago had been an angel. He had been an angel and then he fell, banished from heaven by his own blood.  
Raphael Santiago was a fallen angel, because angels are not supposed to fall in love with humans, but that’s exactly what he did.

___

 

It had all started when Simon Lewis appeared in one of the prophecies.   
Well, he hadn’t exactly _appeared_ in one of them, but the archangels _assumed_ that he was the one written about in the ancient text.   
Simon Lewis had appeared in one of the prophecies and like every human who appeared in a prophecy, he had to be eliminated.   
Like every human who appeared in a prophecy, Simon Lewis wasn’t just a normal _mundane_ anymore, but a mission.   
Simon Lewis had been Raphael’s mission. 

Angels were often mistaken for goodnatured saviors and, like the mundanes liked to call them, “guardians“.   
It was a childish thing to believe, because angels were neither guardians nor saviors and _goodnatured_ was probably the least fitting word to describe them.   
Angels were and always had been warriors of god.   
They defended heaven and made sure the demons stayed in hell, where they belonged.   
Angels were god’s way to make sure his creations stayed where they were and wouldn’t get destroyed by something other than him.   
But then god vanished, left them — _his_ _children_ — and a horrible unbalance dominated heaven until the archangels took over.   
Michael, the oldest brother after Lucifer, who had been banished a long long time ago, stepped in and together with Gabriel and Raphael (Raphael’s namesake) ruled heaven in a more or less tolerable way.

Then the prophecies started to turn up — normal mundanes turned into prophets and the archangels got scared, because what if they became more powerful then them? What if god had decided that his favorite creation should rule over heaven now and not his children anymore?   
The fear made the archangels adopt drastic measures: A new law was passed by Michael in wich it said that every prophet and every mundane to appear in a prophecy was a danger to heaven and had to be eliminated.   
They were so scared to lose their power that no one cared about how vague the prophecies and how foolish this step was; killing humans had never been in the field of angel’s duties.   
Surely, this wasn’t what their father had intended when he brought the prophets to the surface and it would only inflict unnecessary controversy? 

But there weren’t many angels who thought the same way like Raphael did. Some did and they soon joined up into a small group, but most of their brothers and sisters had gotten avid for power and agreed with Michael in an irrational fear of loosing their home. 

After the law had been passed humans were now missions and it often happened that Michael choose the angels he thought were against his methods to undertake the missions; a way to prove their loyalty.   
A few had tried to fight against him, had started a riot, but they had gotten brutally killed — a horrible bloodbath on heaven’s doors. 

Raphael was a good actor. He’d been able to go without a mission for _centuries_ , had even worked together with the archangel Raphael in the field of healing.   
Magnus was a good actor, too. But despite his acting skills he had a short temper, unlike Raphael.   
Raphael was snarky, grumpy and annoyed most of the time — other angels often avoided him— but he had his temper under control.   
There had been one accident, a tiny one really, but it had been enough to make Michael suspicious.   
Magnus, Ragnor and Raphael had been exchanging the information they had about the new prophecies and someone had overheard them, accused them of being traitors and Magnus had lashed out. A small tussle had happened and when asked who had started it all, Raphael had taken the blame, knowing that Magnus and Ragnor were already under suspicion and that he’d get away easier then them.  
He had been right, there wasn’t much of a punishment. Everything had been fine for a while and then the last thing anyone had expected happened. 

Raphael got assigned for a mission.   
He had accepted it without resistance although his mind had screamed for him to rebel, because this was _so_ _wrong_. They didn’t even knew if the boy was the _right_ _one_.  
He had accepted it with an emotionless expression plastered on his face, a shiver running down his back at Michael’s cold smile. 

“Don’t disappoint me, Raphael Santiago.“ He had said slowly and it sounded like a promise. 

Raphael had nodded stiffly. “I won’t.“

Oh how very wrong he had been.

The next day he got send down to earth, his wings whirling up the snow underneath him as he smoothly stepped onto the ground, manifesting his form unnoticed by anyone.   
Looking around he searched for his target, his angel blade already in his hand although still hidden from unwanted eyes as someone suddenly bumped into him. 

Raphael startled and stumbled ungracefully, but managed to stay on his feet. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice you at all. Are you ok?“ The person in front of him sounded honestly worried. 

Raphael slowly smoothed the lapels of his jacket before looking up and staring right into two caramel colored, warm and concerned eyes. 

This was the first time Raphael Santiago met Simon Lewis.   
He should have ended their journey there, should have just thrust the angel blade into the boys chest and the world would have gone on and Raphael would still be in heaven, unhappy but safe.   
He should have just finished his mission. 

But instead he stared at those warm and incredibly innocent eyes and then took a step back.  
“I’m good, don’t worry.“ Raphael told Simon, his vision blurry as if he was in a haze, then he turned around and walked away. Away from Simon Lewis, away from his mission and inevitably also away from heaven. 

___

 

Missions usually only took about one or two days, because killing mundanes was as easy as blowing out a candle, but finding them at first was the real difficulty.   
There had been a time when a mission took about two weeks, because the target had been a prophet and a smart one, too. She had hidden herself behind wards and it had been almost impossible to get near her, but in the end the angel assigned to kill the woman had found a way to smite her. 

Which meant that Raphael had about two days to finish a job he could have gotten completed two minutes ago.   
He wasn’t even sure why he had let the boy go. It wasn’t like Raphael hadn’t killed anyone before, he had killed many many demons during his time as an angel.   
But somehow it felt wrong. Even more so then usual, Raphael always despised the missions and maybe it was just because he was now the one to do the killing, but he just hadn’t been able to kill him.   
Those eyes were too young, too childish, too soft to deserve death. They were supposed to see so much more in this world then just always the same paths of New York. 

Raphael sighed, embarrassed by his own behavior, as he lowered himself onto a bench, ignoring the fact that the backrest slightly squished his wings against his back. 

If Ragnor would be here he’d probably laugh at him and Magnus… Oh dear Magnus, he’d find the situation extremely amusing.  
They knew how soft he was behind all of his bossy and threatening looks and manners.   
But they’d probably also urge him to finish what he had to, because his friends might be gigantic assholes, but they were also scared. Maybe even more so then Raphael, because losing someone close too you might be worse then dying yourself, since death takes away all your worries and the grief his friends would have to go through.  
Taking in a deep and unnecessary breath, Raphael ran a hand over his face.   
As an angel he didn’t need to breathe, but did it since his body was the one of a human and still had the motion memorized. He also didn’t feel the cold or his heartbeat, instead he felt his grace pumping life through his body. 

Standing up again Raphael made a decision: He’d find the boy, kill him and go home. It was a simple job, maybe morally wrong, but Raphael was a selfish man. In his eyes angels and humans weren’t that much different, but he still cherished his life over the boy’s. 

Concentrating on his targets aura, Raphael closed his eyes. Like all mundanes that stood in correlation with the prophecies he had some sort of signal coming from himself, a little brighter and stronger than the ones of normal mundanes.   
It didn’t take too long for Raphael to find him and with a determined pace he made his way towards the building the boy seemed to be in. 

Raphael could easily use his wings and fly over to it in the matter of seconds, but something prevented him from doing so. Maybe it still was the part of his mind telling him that this was not fair and therefor granted the boy a few more minutes of his life.

Simon Lewis was located in a small coffee-shop in one of the more hipster-like-streets of New York.  
Raphael wasn’t really interested in mundane culture, but Magnus absolutely _loved_ the different styles human’s developed over the years, which lead to Raphael knowing at least the very basics of this century.  Magnus often titled him a “snob“ and Raphael just let him, because who was he to care about a term that would be forgotten in a few years anyway. 

The coffee shop could only be described as _vintage_ and Raphael let his gaze wander for a second as he entered through the glass door, a small bell signaling his presence.  
To his surprise the room was nearly completely full, most of the people seemed rather young or at least under the age of thirty. They were seated on comfortable looking chairs and beanbags, a drink in front of every single one of them, their heads all turned into the same direction, towards the end of the room. 

Raphael frowned slightly and weaved his way through the small crowd, trying not to look to out of place, until he finally had a clear sight of what the humans were watching, or rather _listening_ to. 

In front of them on a tiny stage sat Raphael’s target on a wooden stool, a microphone in front of him and a guitar pulled up onto his knee.   
At the moment he was looking down onto his fingers as he strummed a soft melody and then he began to sing, a gentle sound floating through the room as his lips formed words which were filled with so many emotions, that Raphael nearly choked. 

Raphael had heard some of the best singers of the last few millenniums, but somehow Simon Lewis managed to fascinate him in a way no one else had before. It wasn’t that he had an exceptionally wonderful voice, in fact it was only slightly above average, but the way he just sat there, looking so utterly peaceful and calm while doing what he obviously loved captured Raphael. 

The song ended and the crowd applauded while Simon thanked them and then declared that they were going to take a break — only now did Raphael notice that he hadn’t been alone, but another person had accompanied him on the stage.   
Raphael watched as Simon leaned his guitar against the stool and hopped of the stage before leaning against the counter of the shop, happily starting a conversation with the blond barista, who slapped him on the back with a joyful grin and then pushed a cup of coffee into his hands. 

Raphael’s insides contracted painfully as he remembered the sharp blade in his jacket and the actual reason he was here for.   
Taking his eyes off of Simon he let his gaze wander around the café again and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a good place to commit murder. A small part of himself knew that it was only a foolish excuse to stall his mission, but he didn’t really care. It was a good excuse, because erasing the memories of this many people would be exhausting, so he decided that Simon’s smile could stay where it was for a few more hours. 

Turning his back towards the crowd, Raphael attempted to leave the coffee-shop again, as a loud voice restrained him from doing so.

“Hey, wait! I know you, you’re the guy from earlier, the one I ran into!“ 

Raphael came to a halt and slowly turned around again, facing his target, who was looking down on him with a soft blush high on his cheeks. 

“Am I now?“ Raphael watched as Simon blinked in confusion, before one of his hands came up to scratch his neck, a shy smile appearing on his face. 

“Yeah, uh. You’re not angry though, right? I’m kind of clumsy and I was running late to our gig here and you were gone so fast, I couldn’t even really apologize.“ Simon conceded and Raphael tilted his head slightly, a bit confused by the boys anxious behavior. 

“I don’t see why I should be angry. I’m not really sure why you worry about it so much, too.“ Raphael answered slowly and Simon blushed even more. 

“Oh uhm. Yeah well… That’s good. I think? I’m not—“ He stopped, before taking in a big breath and nervously fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. “Ok, look, dude, you’re _hot_ and handsome people make me nervous, alright? I’m a trainwreck when it comes to flirting, I know that, but uh… do you maybe want a coffee? As an apology?“ The boy finally stuttered and Raphael lifted his eyebrows in surprise. 

“You… are flirting with me?“    
Raphael had never quite understood the concept of _flirting_. Angels in general weren’t really allowed to engage in romance with mundanes and even in heaven he had never taken interest in anyone, neither romantically nor sexually. He had never cared about feeling or sex, on the contrary to his friends, who often vanished for a few hours to come back a smirk on their face that let everyone know that they had just bedded someone.   
So it came to a surprise to Raphael, that Simon was trying to flirt with him. Not because he was a boy, Raphael was sure that if he were actually attracted to someone it would only be a boy — girls just weren’t his thing — but because no one ever had flirted with him. 

Simon stared at him for a second before taking a step back and the hurt in his eyes confused Raphael even more. 

“Well, I was trying to, thank you very much. If you’re not interested that’s fine, no need to be rude.“ He mumbled and turned away, but Raphael stopped him.

He wasn’t exactly sure why he did so, his body moved before his mind could think about the action, but Simon faced him again, lips pressed together to a thin line.

“I’m sorry. I was just surprised.“ Raphael carefully phrased and let go of Simon’s wrist again. “I didn’t intend to reject you.“

Simon frowned slightly. “O- okay. And this means what…?“

Raphael closed his eyes for a second, cursing himself for what he was about to say, because he wasn’t supposed to befriend this boy, he was supposed to _kill_ him. 

“It means that I’d like that coffee you mentioned earlier.“ 

Simon’s frown morphed into a bright smile and Raphael felt the urge to squint, because the happiness radiating of him truly was blinding. 

“Cool! I’m Simon, by the way. Simon Lewis.“ 

Raphael watched him as he slumped down onto one of the beanbags.

“Raphael Santiago.“ He introduced himself and Simon grinned. 

“Like the angel?“ 

The corners of Raphael’s mouth twitched as Simon mentioned his brother. 

“Like the angel, yes.“ 

Simon leaned forwards, his fingers fiddling with the menu on their table. 

“So your what? Christian? Does it matter that I’m jewish?“ The younger boy seemed to wonder and Raphael chuckled slightly. 

“Why would it? Religion might be an important part of me, but it’s not what defines me.“

Simon watched him for a second, an expression on his face which Raphael couldn’t quite place. 

“You’re kind of cryptic, you know.“

“If you say so.“ Raphael smiled slightly and Simon beamed at him, as if he had just gotten a reward for doing something. 

“You have a pretty smile.“ Simon’s eyes went wide as he realized what he just said and Raphael chuckled softly. “I mean- Uh. Oh god, this is embarrassing, I’m sorry.“

“Don’t apologize. It’s a rather nice compliment, actually.“

Simon blushed slightly and it scared Raphael how endearing he found it, especially when the boy stumbled over his own words as he asked what he wanted to drink.

Since Raphael didn’t exactly need to provide his body with food he had never really eaten or drunk anything made by mundanes, so he told Simon to pic for him.   
A few minutes later the human came back with to big porcelain cups of “The good stuff, Raphael, you’re gonna love it“. 

Raphael did indeed “love it“.   
The hot liquid tasted pleasantly sweet with a hint of bitter coffee flavor as he guessed and Simon told him that “caramel macchiatos“ were heaven on earth.  
Raphael agreed that caramel definitely was heaven on earth, but his gaze was fixed on Simon’s eyes as he said it instead of the drink. 

They sat there for what felt like hours. Raphael wasn’t sure if Simon had to go play on the stage again, but Simon seemed to have forgotten, because he didn’t seem like he intended to move any time soon.   
Their conversation consisted mostly of Simon talking and Raphael listening, but Raphael didn’t mind. Simon had enough to tell for both of them and Raphael didn’t have any topics related to earth anyway.   
It turned out that Simon was a very interesting person, at least in Raphael’s eyes.

He played guitar and sang (beautifully, Raphael had told him so, which had resulted in Simon nearly suffocating on his drink, face turning a dark crimson red), studied accounting, because his mother wanted him to, although he’d rather study music really.   
Simon liked comics and movies and tv-shows and in general everything that was part of the so called “nerd-culture“ and he was _very_ passionate about the topics he was interested in.   
Raphael noticed that Simon was always moving, he seemed to never be able to keep still, even if it was only his leg nervously bouncing up and down. When he smiled one corner of his mouth went up before the other and his eyes squinted quite adorably.   
The thick glasses on his nose had the habit of slipping out of position, which resulted in Simon pushing it up the bridge of his nose every few minutes. +  
It also seemed as if not only Simon’s body was always moving, but also his mind — rushing from one thought to the other, sometimes related, sometimes not; Simon never ran out of things to say, witty responses and dorky jokes somehow always woven into his flow of speech. 

Raphael found himself extremely fascinated by the boy and the blade in his pocket slowly passed out of his mind the longer they sat there. 

Simon was in the middle of explaining the plot of some movie he enjoyed to Raphael, his hands wildly articulating in the air, as someone interrupted them. 

The conversation came to a halt as they both looked up at the person next to them, who Raphael identified as a small girl with fiery hair — he recalled Simon mentioning a redhead as his best friend a few times.

“Clary! Hey, what’s up?“ Simon grinned at her and she eyed Raphael suspiciously, before drawling an answer. 

“Maureen told me to get you. The gig, remember?“ She reminded him and crossed her tiny arms, still not taking her eyes off of Raphael.  
“Who’s this?“ 

Simon’s mouth formed a “O“ as he remembered why he had been here initially and Raphael could barely hide a fond smile as he ran one hand through his hair, clearly embarrassed. 

“Uh, sorry, I totally forgot. Ah, Clary, this is Raphael. Raphael, this is Clary.“ 

“I figured.“ Raphael commented and Clary squinted at him. 

“Who are you?“ She hissed at him and Raphael lifted one of his eyebrows. 

“No one important to you. It’s nothing of your business anyway.“ The angel stated and Clary actually growled at him. 

“I swear to god, if you hurt him, I’m going to-“

“Whoa, Clary, calm down, ok?“ Simon quickly interrupted her and shot Raphael an apologetic smile. 

“We just talked, alright? I ran into him earlier this day and it’s not like you’re my _mom_. I can actually decide myself who I want to go out with.“ The boy declared and Clary sighed, before mumbling a “sorry“. 

Turning towards Raphael again, Simon smiled at him apologetically.

“Clary was right though, I still have the gig going on. It was nice meeting you, so…“ He broke off and Raphael smiled back at him. 

“I think so, too.“

They both stood up from their table and Simon awkwardly shuffled closer towards him.  
“Uh, do you. Do you want my phone number?“ 

Raphael frowned slightly. “I don’t have a phone.“

“You don’t… Oh.“ Simon seemed disappointed and averted Raphael’s gaze, as he pushed his hands into his jeans pockets. 

“I’d… like to meet you again, though. I meant it Simon, I quite enjoyed my time here.“ Raphael added and smiled at the boy, as he lifted his gaze again, a hopeful glint in his beautiful eyes. 

“You do?“ Raphael nodded. “I’m- I’m free on friday, around…uh… six pm? We could meet here again?“   
Raphael smiled again, watching Simon softly.   
“I’d like that.“

“That’s…cool. Nice. It’s a date!“ Simon grinned brightly at him and Raphael huffed out a small laugh. 

“If you say so.“ He mumbled and Simon grin turned even wider, before he leaned in and pressed his lips against Raphael’s cheek. 

“Yeah, I say so.“ Then he turned around and tugged Clary away from Raphael, towards the stage.

The angel considered staying, but then decided against it and walked out of the coffee-shop, into the cold. 

Suddenly he was painfully aware of the weight in his jacket, pressing against his chest in a steady promise. 

“Don’t disappoint me.“ He remembered Michael’s words and then his own answer echoed through his mind.   
“I won’t.“ He had said. 

Now he knew that he had never in his life been so wrong.  
How did this happen? He had been determined to get this job done and what had happened instead? He’d gone on a _date_ with his mission, with a boy who’s death warrant had already been signed. 

Father, where are you?, Raphael thought in a desperate cry for help. Never had he been this unsure of himself and a situation. It had been literal centuries since he last had prayed, but at the moment he just didn’t know what else to do.  
But god didn’t answer. He never did these days, not that Raphael knew about at least. 

It was wednesday. Wich meant he had two days until he’d meant Simon again for their “date“.   
Two days left for Simon to enjoy his precious, precious life, before Raphael would have to end it.   
This time he swore to himself that he’d finish it. He was already to invested into the boys life and honestly, the girl — Clary — had been right to be suspicious.   
Simon had linked him to an angel, which theoretically was true, but in relation to Simon’s life? He was more of a devil than an angel. 

Walking silently through New York, Raphael let his thoughts wander. They wandered to his friends up in heaven, to Magnus, who had so often talked about love and then stopped after Camille, to Ragnor, who had never truly been in love, like Raphael, to Cat, who’d always been in love with Ragnor, to Meliorn, oh dear Meliorn, who got banished because he didn’t follow the rules and lived the way he wanted to not the way everyone told him to.   
His mind wandered to the beginning, to the first humans and the way they worked themselves up until now, how they forgot so many thing and at the same time learned so much, too.   
He thought about his father, how he left and how for weeks and weeks they had grieved, all his children he had left behind. Raphael thought about Lucifer and his bitter fate, thought about all the demons he had killed in an attempt to keep mankind safe and then? Then he thought about Simon, because he couldn’t help himself.   
Thought about how he was supposed to protect humans in some way, not murder them. Thought about how unfair an early death was to a race that only had a short time to live anyway.   
Thought about Simon — Simon’s smile, Simon’s hand, Simon’s voice, Simon’s _eyes_.   
Thought about Simon’s eyes, so beautiful, so pure; Raphael had never seen anything as mesmerizing as Simon’s eyes, never seen anything as warm and comforting as the look in them when he had sung on that stage and then it was suddenly Friday. 

Raphael blinked, staring down onto the ground, wet and dirty and only now realized that he hadn’t moved in two days. His clothes and wings were soaked in water, it seemed like it had started to rain while he had been zoning out.   
Running a hand through his wet hair he shook his head, took a look at the watch around his wrist, which he had been given at the beginning of his mission — it was easy to lose track of time as an angel.   
It was nearly six pm and Raphael stood, beat his wings for a few seconds to dry them and then flew — or better, _raced_ — towards the coffee shop Simon and he had met in. 

Simon wasn’t there yet and Raphael leaned against the corner next to the shop, his blade ready in one hand.   
He heard him before he saw him, a loud exclaim, calling his name.   
Raphael turned towards the noise, saw Simon hurrying towards him; he was also soaked in water. 

“Oh my god, have you been waiting for long? I’m so sorry.“ Simon apologized and Raphael stared at him, telling himself that he _had_ to do this, he _had_ to finish his mission. 

“I’d rather, we don’t bring god into this. He won’t listen anyway.“ Raphael growled and Simon frowned, taking a step back. 

“Wait, what? What are you talking about, Raphael, are you ok-“ He cried out in fear as Raphael grabbed him by the lapels, pulled him into the alley and pushed him against the wall, his blade pressed against his neck. 

“Raphael, I’m- Oh god, please, please don’t kill me, I didn’t do anything!“ Simon seemed to grasp the the situation he was in pretty fast and whimpered slightly as Raphael pressed the blade against his skin harder. 

“I don’t understand, Raphael, please, you don’t _have_ to do this, I swear, I won’t tell anyone about it if you let me go, just please, please don’t kill me, I don’t… I don’t wanna die. My mom- She wouldn’t survive, she already lost dad, you can’t- _please!_ “ The young boy begged and Raphael closed his eyes, lifted his hand with the blade and stabbed out, opening his eyes again and looking directly in Simon’s. He stared directly into Simon’s beautiful eyes, now filled with fear and tears and he never, never wanted to see that look again, but he never had to, because in less then a second the boy would be dead-

Raphael froze, the blade stopping only a millimeter in front of Simon’s chest and then falling out of his fist, a clattering sound on the ground. 

“I can’t.“ Raphael whispered, partially to himself, partially to Simon, partially to Michael. “I can’t, I- I’m weak, I can’t, this is- I can’t kill you.“ 

He whimpered slightly, mimicking Simon as they stared at each other.  
“I’m so sorry.“ He whispered towards the boy and to his surprise Simon didn’t seem scared anymore. Instead he looked oddly calm, for once not fidgeting.

“I’m so sorry, Simon.“ Raphael repeated and Simon closed his eyes, bottom lip suddenly quivering.

“Why?“ The human asked, his voice shaking, signalizing tears. 

“I didn’t _want_ to, I… It’s not. You wouldn’t understand.“ Raphael backed away from him, hands shaking. 

“I think I have the right to FUCKING KNOW WHY YOU TRIED TO KILL ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!“ He screamed at the angel, tears spilling and mixing with the rain on his face. 

“You _won’t_.“ Raphael told him again, voice firm and brows furrowed.   
“I’m breaking every rule I could every break, I’m putting my own life in danger at this very moment, because I’m not going to kill you. You’ll not be able to understand, just know that you’re in danger.“

Simon was shaking.   
“You absolute dick. I can’t- You just… come her and try to _kill_ me, then tell me that I’m in danger and now what? You’re going to bail without an explanation?“ He hissed, fingers curling into fists. “Guess what: I’m not stupid, so _try_ _me_.“ 

Raphael gritted his teeth, but then nodded. What was there to lose now anyway? He wasn’t able to kill him, which meant he’d be punished one way or another. Simon was right, Raphael owed him an explanation. 

So he took a step back, closed his eyes and then pulled on his grace, abruptly opening his eyes, which were now flashed in a blinding gold and at the same time his wings erupted behind him, spreading into the air, an ocean of white and gold feathers. Raphael stretched them for a few seconds more, enjoyed the freedom for a moment before hiding his true form again, his graze burning slightly at being exposed to a non-angel being.

“Are you satisfied now?“ Raphael asked calmly, watching as Simon gaped at him in a look of utter unbelief. 

“I’m- what- this. How? What? _What_ are you?“ He choked out after a few moments of silence, swaying dangerously on his feet.   
 Raphael rushed forwards, catching him as his legs yielded and then carefully cradled him as he sunk to the ground himself, spreading his hidden wings over them, forming a shelter. 

“I’m sorry.“ He whispered once again, while he softly brushed a few strands of hair out of Simon’s pale face. “Seeing my true form must have exhausted you, I forgot about this.“

Simon coughed slightly and tried to sit up, but Raphael pushed him down again, carefully framing his face with his own hands. 

“What are you?“ The mundane whispered again, eyes fluttering close as Raphael comfortingly caressed his cheek. 

“I’m an angel, Simon.“ Raphael explained, breathing it into the other ones ear.

“I-“ Simon coughed again. “I actually believe that. You look like a- an angel, ya’know.“ He slurred and Raphael chuckled. 

“Sleep, you’ll feel better soon. An angel’s true form is never easy for a mundane to handle.“ 

Simon actually managed to smile slightly, before his eyes fell shut and he was fast asleep, his body hanging lifeless in Raphael’s arms. 

Raphael leaned down and brushed the boy’s forehead with his lips. 

“Sleep well, mi sol naciente.“ He watched him for a few more seconds carefully before standing up, lifting him up as he did so. 

It only took a few seconds for Simon’s friends in the coffee-shop to notice him, when he walked in with Simon’s body in his arms. 

“I found him like this outside. I’m not sure what happened, but I don’t think it’s anything serious. He’s probably just unconscious.“ Raphael explained, a fake alarmed expression on his face. 

The blond barista took Simon into his arms before carrying him into a separated room, away from the customers’ residence. 

“Thank you for bringing him in here. God knows who could have found him…“ Another girl murmured, her face full of concern. 

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. Send him my kindest regards when he wakes up again.“ 

He hurried to get to the exit when the girl called him again. 

“Wait! What’s your name?“

Raphael watched her for a second, taking in her dark eyes and proud stance. 

“Raphael.“ He exclaimed before rushing out of the café into the busy streets of New York, where he spread his wings and pushed off the ground, towards heaven, scared of the way he might be greeted. 

____

He had been scared for a reason, because the second he stepped foot into his home a fist collided with his jaw and send him flying against a wall. 

“You betrayed us!“ One of his brothers hissed as Raphael tried to scramble up again. 

“Traitor!“ Another one shouted as he kicked into his ribs. 

“You’re weak! Weak!“ His sisters screamed at him as they carved the words into his flesh, not even twitching as he groaned and cried out in pain.  
*

“Not only did you refuse to finish your mission, but you also exposed our race to mankind on earth. We all know what this mean: Raphael Santiago, you’ll be stripped of your grace and banished from heaven forever. If you survive the fall, you’ll never be able to step a foot in heaven and you’ll be the worst kind of angel: A fallen one, impure and vulnerable. I personally hope you _die_.“

Raphael spit into Michael’s face after his speech, painting the pale skin gold.

* 

He watched as his friends screamed in horror as he fell without his grace and then he crashed, hard and painful, the flames of his burning wings dying out as the came in contact with the snow and then- then he lost consciousness, mouth opened in a pleading cry towards his friends, telling them to go on. To not miss him. 

____

 

The next time Raphael opened his eyes he felt warm or at least until the moment he tried to move, because his body hurt all over.   
A muffled groan escaped his throat as he slowly opened his eyes, light blending him horribly. 

“Where am I?“ He wanted to ask even though he wasn’t sure if there was someone close. All that came out of his mouth was “Wme“ and then he erupted into a horrible cough, every muscle in his body hurting as he gasped for air. 

“Sh, shh, shhh.“ Suddenly someone was there, brushing hair out of his face and carefully pulling him up into a seated position, soothingly rubbing circles into his back until his coughing fit momentarily stopped.

“How are you feeling?“ The person asked and the voice reminded Raphael of something he couldn’t quite place. 

“Nt gd.“ Was all he got out, but they seemed to understand him anyway. 

“Drink something.“ 

A glass of water appeared in Raphael’s blurry field of view and he wanted to reject it, because he was an angel and angels didn’t need to drink, but then suddenly everything came rushing back and he gasped, finger digging into the fabric he was laying down as he remembered Michael, the mission, Simon, his friends and his fall, the pain-   
His eyes snapped open again, this time with force and in a rush of sudden energy he felt the need to get up and get out, which worked well for exactly two seconds, then his legs gave in and he fell down, only to be coughed by two strong arms.

“Seems like this time it’s me, who does the saving.“ The person chuckled, but then got serious again as they lay Raphael into what he identified as a bed again.   
“Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe here, Raphael.“ 

Raphael took in a shaky breath and gritted his teeth in an attempt to calm himself. 

“Simon.“ He whispered, voice rough and throat dry, but now he remembered, who’s voice he’d been responding to.

“Yeah. Now drink.“ Simon placed the glass of water against his lips and Raphael slowly tilted his head back until the cool liquid ran down his throat, wetting the insides of his mouth, which felt like he’d been swallowing sand. 

“Thank you.“ Raphael watched as Simon smiled slightly.

“It’s the least I could do. After you saved my life, I mean.“ He chuckled slightly and Raphael frowned. 

“I didn’t… didn’t safe your life. I just-“ He had to stop as another coughing fit overcame him. “I just didn’t kill you.“ He finished the sentence once he was able to breathe properly again.

Simon smiled a little wider this time.   
“Kinda equals saving my life in that relation. It was a dickish move though, you know. Just running away like that after revealing that I had been crushing on a fucking _angel_.“ He chuckles, but it comes out a little breathless. “To be honest, I thought i just dreamt it for a while. Ya know… after I recovered consciousness again I just tried to convince myself that it had been a figment of my imagination, but then… then I found _you_ last week, lying in central park, a literal crater around you and I could _see_ your uhm… _wings_. Something happened right? I’m not sure what, but taking you with me seemed like the right thing to do at the moment.“ He quickly explained and Raphael relaxed slightly at hearing the sound of his voice. 

“I… First of all, thank you. That was very…very noble of you.“ Raphael starts and Simon rolls his eyes slightly. 

“Shut up. I didn’t do it, because it was the _noble_ thing to do. I did it because I was worried.“ 

Raphael blinked, but then decided to awkwardly ignore the objection, causing in Simon giggling slightly. 

“You… _ah_ … you were right, something happened.“ He grimaced in pain, as he moved his head to look Simon in the eyes. “I fell.“ 

Raphael had intended to say it confidently, proudly, not giving in to the grief that came with it, but it had been a whisper, small and childlike, voice breaking as he said it. Tears slowly formed and found their way over his cheeks, dripping onto his shirt.   
“I’m sorry. It’s childish to cry, I mean, it’s my own fault really.“ His voice was thick and full of bottled up emotions, as he kept on silently crying, covering his face with his hands in an attempt to hide his extremely _mundane_ reaction from Simon. 

“Hey… It’s ok. I’m not- I’m not _judging_ you or anything, it’s ok to cry! I’m don’t really know much about the conditions you fell under, but it seems like you just lost everything you had, so I’m… I’m sorry.“ Simon uttered and took Raphael’s hands away from his face, cradling them in his lap, soothingly drawing patterns on Raphael’s palm until he stopped sobbing after a few minutes.

“Better?“ Simon asked carefully and Raphael nodded slightly. 

“You were wrong though.“ He said after a few seconds of silence, voice hoarse from crying. The boy next to him frowned. “I didn’t lose everything. I still— I still have you, don’t I?“ It was barely a whisper, but the complete and utter truth. 

Simon gaped at him, his mouth slightly open, eyes as gentle and soft as Raphael remembered them.

“I… Yeah. Yeah, you still got me, I’m. Yes.“ The mundane babbled after a few moments and then suddenly pulled Raphael into his arms, hugging him tightly. 

Raphael let him, hid his face in his neck, breathed in Simon’s scent, while tears started welling up in his eyes again.   
They stayed like this for a while, Simon hugging him dearly while mumbling sweet words into his hair and Raphael tugged into his embrace, welcoming the contact and warmth which came from Simon’s body.

“I can’t believe I’m actually already falling for you.“ Simon mumbled after what felt like forever. “I literally met you twice and one time you tried to kill me.“ 

A crooked smile appeared on Raphael’s face.  
“Well, you’re not the only one. I _literally_ already fell for you.“ 

Simon grinned slightly, shoulder shaking slightly with laughter.   
“Mhmmm.“ 

Suddenly another thought crossed Raphael’s mind and he tensed, Simon immediately letting go of him. 

“Are you ok?“ The boy asked cautiously and Raphael took in a shaky breath. 

“My… my wings. Are they- what happened to them? You told me you could see them.“ He questioned slowly and Simon winced. 

“I… I can still see them, yeah. I’m not sure- Maybe you should see yourself.“ Simon admitted and hopped of the bed pulling a big mirror into the room.   
Raphael stared at his reflection in horror. 

His usually beautiful pure and white-golden wings were hanging slack from his body, now black and burned, at some places he could even see his bone show through the messy feathers. 

“It’s… I cleaned them up a bit, when I got you here. Washed off the blood, cleaned the wounds and so on, I hope that wasn’t disrespectful to do.“

Raphael swallowed thickly, choking slightly.

“They are horrific. I’m a… monster.“ He croaked out and Simon sharply sucked in some air.

“ _No_ , you’re not. You’re not a monster, Raphael, it’s just. They just don’t look like they did before.“ Simon stopped before shyly adding “I still find them beautiful. I still find _you_ beautiful.“

The boy was blushing softly and Raphael was sure he’d never seen anything as beautiful as _him_ , he couldn’t quite believe that someone as pure as Simon would see his broken form as beautiful, so he averted his gaze, watched his hands which he only now noticed were bandaged lightly, until he overheard Simon shuffling closer. The mattress gave in slightly as Simon crawled towards Raphael, his pointer finger finding it’s way under Raphael’s chin to tip it up, forcefully making him look at Simon. 

“I really do, Raphael, believe me. You’re not any… less angel to me then you were before you fell.“ He laughed in unbelief. “Hell, I thought you were beautiful the very first time I laid eyes on you, I even _told_ you.“ 

Raphael was still not convinced; surely, Simon was only saying all of this to make him feel better. He couldn’t be serious, a glance into the mirror showed Raphael his crippled wings again. No one could find that abomination anything but horrifying. 

“Don’t lie to me.“ The fallen angel bit out and Simon pressed his lips together, clearly frustrated. Raphael didn’t understand why, why couldn’t he just be honest with him, did he not understand what Raphael was going through? Of course he didn’t, he was a mundane, Raphael scolded himself.  
Suddenly there was something warm ghosting over his face, later he realized that it had been Simon’s breath, and then something even warmer and extremely soft pressed against his lips, nothing more than a short touch, but it was enough to startle Raphael, so he flinched away, stared at Simon with wide eyes. 

His opposite was at the moment sheepishly smiling at him and Raphael realized that Simon just _kissed_ him.   
“See? I don’t mind your wings. I don’t mind that you fell, I don’t mind that you think of yourself as broken. I _like_ you, Raphael. I like _you_ and I _don’t_ mind the stuff that comes with liking you.“ Simon quietly explained and Raphael made a small noise in the back of his throat before leaning over with a wince of pain to connect their lips again.  
Simon gasped slightly and immediately shuffled even closer, carful not to hurt Raphael in the process of doing so.   
At first it had really been just a press of lips against lips, but Simon started moving his after a few seconds, tilting his head only ever so slightly to avoid bumping noses and Raphael kissed him back, unsure of what to do, but trying his best to mimic Simon’s shy motions.   
They kept on kissing like that for a few minutes, cautiously exploring their possibilities until Simon nudged against Raphael’s lips with his tongue, Raphael’s mouth automatically falling open, granting the other boys tongue entrance.   
Simon carefully slid into Raphael’s lap, his hand cupping the bruised face of the other, while he deepened the kiss.

Raphael had never experienced anything like this in his life before. He felt… warm and tingly all over, involuntary small whimpers and groans escaping him as Simon started exploring his mouth.   
Carefully testing, Raphael swept his tongue over Simon’s bottom lip, making the boy moan softly, before bringing up the courage to shyly lick into Simon’s mouth.

Raphael let his hands wander down the boy’s torso, only lightly touching him before wrapping them around his waist, fingers digging into hard muscles.   
Simon groaned slightly, his hips stuttering and then grinding down in Raphael’s lap. The motion made Raphael freeze and Simon broke their kiss, apologetically smiling at Raphael. 

“Sorry… got a bit carried away. It’s been a while since I last-“ He made motion with his hand as if he was searching for the right word, he decided on “You know.“ 

Raphael frowned slightly, but kept his hands on Simon’s hips. He weirdly enjoyed the way they fit into his palms and Simon flushed a soft red as he noticed that Raphael wasn’t grasping on. 

“Uh… I haven’t had sex in a while, was what I was trying to say.“ The boy finally choked out and Raphael lifted one eyebrow. 

“Oh.“ Was his only comment, when another thought crossed his mind. “Wait, how old are you?“   
 Simon stared at him for a second before erupting in laughter.  
“I just turned twenty-one a few months ago.“ He answered, hiding his face in Raphael’s neck, his shoulders still shaking in amusement. 

“That’s surprisingly relieving. Not that I’m really up to date with the human system of age and time, but I’d feel really weird if i’d developed feelings for a minor.“ Raphael noted and Simon smiled against his neck, before kissing the skin lightly. 

Raphael hummed softly, craning his neck and Simon chuckled, before kissing it again. He trailed a few more kisses up his neck until he came to the soft spot under his ear, where he began to suck and bite at Raphael’s sensitive skin, making him whimper and tighten the grip he had around Simon’s lips. 

“Are you- _ah_ … are you trying to give me a _hickey_.“ For once Raphael was thankful that his friends had had a lot of sex, because it meant he knew at least _something_. 

“Maybe…“ Simon grinned and then let go of his neck, before pressing a soft kiss to Raphael’s lips again. 

“Not that I don’t enjoy this…“ Raphael carefully started after a few moments in which they had just been watching each other until Simon’s loving gaze made Raphael feel slightly uncomfortable. “But I- I’ve never. I don’t.“ He stuttered slightly and Simon leaned forwards, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Relax. I’m not going to go away, just tell me.“ 

Raphael took in a deep breath, his wings fluttering weakly. 

“I have never felt anything like _this_. I’ve never been… _attracted_ to someone, neither romantically nor sexually.“ He explained and Simon’s mouth formed an “O“.   
“So you’re aromantic asexual?“ He asked, smiling. Why was he always smiling? 

“If that’s what your kind calls it, probably. Well, at least I thought so, but now I’m… This is…“ Raphael waved one of his hands between them in an uncertain way. 

“Don’t worry. The a-spectrum is a wide field. If you want we can research a bit, until you find a term that describes you. Not that you need a label, anyway.“ Simon was still smiling and Raphael blushed slightly, ducking his head. 

“I’d like that, yeah.“ He admitted and Simon beamed. 

“A friend of mine, Jace, is ace, too. Maybe you can talk to him, when you’re comfortable enough to do so.“ Raphael smiled, but Simon was already ranting on again. “Uh, one question: You fell, right? Like… got thrown out of heaven?“

Raphael winced at the reminder, but nodded and Simon immediately seemed guilty.   
“Go- Damn it, sorry, that was so insensitive. What I wanted to ask was, why do you still have your wings? I mean, you obviously aren’t human, but not completely an angel anymore, either, right?“

The brunet seemed legitimately curious and Raphael smiled sadly at him. 

“Like you said, I fell. The state I’m in now is called a “fallen angel“, which means Michael - the archangel - took my grace away and therefor most of my angelic traits and abilities. Taking away the wings would kill me though and somehow he had decided on only banishing me, which meant throwing me down onto earth, vulnerable and broken as I am. I could have been killed during the process of crashing, to be honest, I probably would have died if you hadn’t found me. But I do still have my wings and they contain a part of my grace that can’t be taken, which makes me still kind of angelic, but now with a lot of human traits. I feel warmth and coldness now, my heart is beating, I have to breath, drink and eat. My blood is red now, not golden anymore. I can’t fly with my wings though, only move them slightly. Once they don’t hurt anymore I’ll probably be able to stretch them again, not at the moment though.“ 

Simon stared at him, an amazed expression on his face. 

“Ok, wait. So… my boyfriend is a fallen angel? If you want to be my boyfriend of course.“ He added sheepishly and Raphael smiled back almost shyly. 

“If you say so.“ He grinned. “Sure.“

“You know this won’t be easy though, do you?“ Raphael then questioned, a dark look passing over his face. 

“What do you mean?“ Simon tilted his head slightly. 

“Just because I didn’t kill you, doesn’t mean they’ll stop. My brothers and sisters are afraid of mudanes like you, because they think you’ll try to take over heaven, which is _ridiculous_. They’ll most likely try to find a way to murder you, although it will be harder for them to find you, now that I’m here. They don’t know I’m with you and my aura will cover yours, so it will hopefully take a while for them to find you.“ 

Simon’s look had gotten determined while Raphael spoke. 

“They can try. If they find me, I’ll gladly kick their dumb angel butts for hurting you.“ He growled and suddenly Raphael felt very warm inside. 

“I’ll be there with you and kick their dumb angel butts for trying to hurt you.“ He murmured and then pressed his lips against Simon’s again, softly as if he was something breakable. 

“The fallen angel and the mundane.“ Simon whispered against his lips with a smile. “Sounds like a great story.“

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make me cry, honestly I appreciate them so much, they keep me motivated!
> 
> Visit me on tumblr @ abluelightinthedark (I do art and am funny? Does this make you want to talk to me? Probs not... anyway, ily)


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